So it's been a while. Looking at what I have posted, about 2 weeks. Forgive my lapses. It has been interesting to say the least. Being sick recently really upsets the routines I have set up. Or rather the routines foisted upon me: sleep, work, dad obligations: repeat daily.
Actually the routines aren't that bad. Given the last decade or so, I had become comfortable in that rut. But it's that time of year when I was able to step out of that rut and created surprises around the holidays. I like to think I knew what the holidays were about: family, fun, laughter, that crazy drunk uncle, etc, but ever since mini me came along, it has changed. It's become about getting him that gift that screams "this is perfect." Therein lies the surprises I so loved.
Now the surprises I am talking about were all geared towards making sure mini me and his mom had the best of relationships given her condition. Actually used a line to describe these surprises: "His mom got him the cool stuff, I got him socks and underwear." It was really cool to see both their eyes light up Christmas morning. I had it arranged with the place she was at that the gifts would be there Christmas morning, so that I was absolved of any involvement in his eyes. To mini-me, his mom possessed some magical quality that she just knew what he wanted.
I don't have that anymore and to be frank, I don't know what to do. It was suggested that I have a package delivered from his mom, or talk to the hospice she was at and have one there and they would call him. But I don't know about that. The last decade has been rough, and as much as I want him to remember his mom, I think he needs closure. So I really don't know how to go about doing Christmas this year. Oh I am sure he'll get something cool. Probably a TV for his room so I can liberate my living room from the game consoles.
It just seems different though. I guess you can say empty. Should I chalk this up to "the firsts," but it is more than that. More like, I cannot get into the spirit so to speak. Normally this time of year I have already shopped for those surprises, or in one instance, I was able to arrange it to get her out of her hospice and see one of his school's holiday concerts - that was still the best gift of all. All he used to say when asked was "my mom is sick." That night though, my efforts paid off. Mini me took his mom around, with his school principal and gave her a grand tour of his school, showing her every classroom he had ever been in, introducing her to every teacher he had ever had. As high as that night was emotionally, this year is just flat lining.
I don't know though. Perhaps the holiday surprise will be a trip to some ski slopes. I think a change of scenery for this first holiday may be best. We'll see where the next month takes me.
On a side note, I was able to get out into the social scene. Don't know what to make of it yet. But had a great time hiking through the nation's capital. It was interesting to show some sights, a couple museums which are part of the Smithsonian complex, the Washington Monument, Arlington National Cemetery and the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers. Wish I could have shown more, but there is never enough time in the weekend to see all that DC has to offer.
Recipe of this post: I took a beef roast and pan seared it to just brown on all sides. Threw it in the crock pot with onions, black beans and some chili adobo for about 6 hrs. Then I pulled the roast apart and we had burritos with home made salsa and rice. A really good meal. I'll need to remember that next time I do the roast. Perhaps that would be good for leftovers. Then again with mini me going through growth spurts nonstop, what are leftovers.
Until next time, keep safe and keep smiling
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tying One on With a Mask
Happy Halloween All! Or Samhain if you'r Wiccan.
It's been a rough few days. Been sick as hell lately, but you know, the parent's work is never done. Makes me think of a bit I saw from John Leguizamo a few years ago. Basically the gist was " Being a single parent means, always stressed, always broke and always incapable of getting a date." The first two I can agree with, the last, really doesn't matter. But that gets me to the point of this blog, mini me dressed for Halloween as, what can only best be described as, a dapper demented clown. He was decked out in black pants, black shirt, black vest, black hat a black tie and of course, a demented clown mask.
Perhaps it is me reflecting back on my own life, but I spent the better part of an hour teaching mini-me how to tie the tie, and in that, I think it is a rite of passage. No more of those silly clip on's. Now some may say a tie is just an accessory, which is true. On the other hand though, the ability to accessorize, to just tie that knot opens up a new world. Gone are the graphic tee's which say " Here lies student. Died too young. Bored to death." Oh ok, that is the shirt I wore in 7th grade, but that was when ...well never mind, don't wish to date myself.
No the ability to tie that knot is a sure sign of mini-me's passage from childhood, if ever there was one. Honestly though, it doesn't upset me. It doesn't upset me because of the mask, or rather how he acted once the mask went on.
To be sure, Halloween is a time to pretend we, child and adult alike, are someone or something else, but at our core, we are who we are. Our actions dictate our character. I tend to think some wear masks so often, and change them so regularly that they know not who they are.
Walter Anderson said "The first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." Being the dutiful father, I made sure that someone was with mini me and his friends as they went on their great candy hunt. The feedback I got was interesting. The parent told me that no one recognized mini-me, until his actions showed his character. Evidently he saw someone get separated from a group and helped that person catch up. When I asked about it, his response was, "it was the right thing to do"
Now I am sure mini-me doesn't really know who he is yet, but the simple fact he that it was the right thing to do shows me he is well on his way. Though he had that mask on, he was true to himself. A father couldn't ask for more.
It's been a rough few days. Been sick as hell lately, but you know, the parent's work is never done. Makes me think of a bit I saw from John Leguizamo a few years ago. Basically the gist was " Being a single parent means, always stressed, always broke and always incapable of getting a date." The first two I can agree with, the last, really doesn't matter. But that gets me to the point of this blog, mini me dressed for Halloween as, what can only best be described as, a dapper demented clown. He was decked out in black pants, black shirt, black vest, black hat a black tie and of course, a demented clown mask.
Perhaps it is me reflecting back on my own life, but I spent the better part of an hour teaching mini-me how to tie the tie, and in that, I think it is a rite of passage. No more of those silly clip on's. Now some may say a tie is just an accessory, which is true. On the other hand though, the ability to accessorize, to just tie that knot opens up a new world. Gone are the graphic tee's which say " Here lies student. Died too young. Bored to death." Oh ok, that is the shirt I wore in 7th grade, but that was when ...well never mind, don't wish to date myself.
No the ability to tie that knot is a sure sign of mini-me's passage from childhood, if ever there was one. Honestly though, it doesn't upset me. It doesn't upset me because of the mask, or rather how he acted once the mask went on.
To be sure, Halloween is a time to pretend we, child and adult alike, are someone or something else, but at our core, we are who we are. Our actions dictate our character. I tend to think some wear masks so often, and change them so regularly that they know not who they are.
Walter Anderson said "The first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." Being the dutiful father, I made sure that someone was with mini me and his friends as they went on their great candy hunt. The feedback I got was interesting. The parent told me that no one recognized mini-me, until his actions showed his character. Evidently he saw someone get separated from a group and helped that person catch up. When I asked about it, his response was, "it was the right thing to do"
Now I am sure mini-me doesn't really know who he is yet, but the simple fact he that it was the right thing to do shows me he is well on his way. Though he had that mask on, he was true to himself. A father couldn't ask for more.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Q & A with Mini Me
So it has been an interesting last few days. Evidently mini me has a crush and has been asking how to get someone to like him. My response was a question: "Do you like yourself?" Now by this I mean are you comfortable with yourself. This of course lead to more questions and a longer conversation.
The gist of the conversation was he needs to be true to himself. We all know that it does no good to anyone to be false in how they present themselves. So that part is a given. What I told him, and I know we will have more discussions on this, is to always act with personal honor and integrity. Not only towards the one he is chasing, but towards himself.
That gets me back to my question I posed to him. You see I also warned him, those who have a need to be liked, be it to be popular, or to just to be in a relationship are not the kind he needs to chase after. For that matter, it's not the kind any of us need to chase after. It's my opinion that people who are like that are only seeking validation because they are too afraid of themselves. In the end, the only result they get is to make others as miserable in life as they themselves are with themselves. So when I asked mini me if he was comfortable with himself, the gist of the question was this: can he handle being alone?
There is nothing wrong with being able to be alone with yourself. I tend to agree with the quote from Aristotle, " Knowing one's self is the first step towards achieving wisdom." Yes I paraphrased, but the gist is still the same. I would hope he never says he needs a relationship, or that he doesn't handle being alone well. Phrases such as those are sure signs, at least in my eyes, that something is amiss.
They are phrases I have never said, for I like to think I know who and what I am. An example: when mini me goes away for his functions, coworkers tend to push me to go out and party. Well the partying stage for me is long gone. Don't get me wrong, I can go out and have fun. I just don't need to. It's not like going out will fundamentally alter who I am. It could fundamentally alter my situation, true. But to change who I am as a person, or to alter the definition of what my personhood means? I think not.
Having said all that, and knowing I am not ready for this, I have resigned myself to the fact that the next few years mini me and I will be revisiting these conversations probably often. Some may read this and think I am afraid that he is growing up and would be leaving. Part of me would like for him to stay a certain age. But at the same time, I know it's important that he has the tools necessary to go through life.
The gist of the conversation was he needs to be true to himself. We all know that it does no good to anyone to be false in how they present themselves. So that part is a given. What I told him, and I know we will have more discussions on this, is to always act with personal honor and integrity. Not only towards the one he is chasing, but towards himself.
That gets me back to my question I posed to him. You see I also warned him, those who have a need to be liked, be it to be popular, or to just to be in a relationship are not the kind he needs to chase after. For that matter, it's not the kind any of us need to chase after. It's my opinion that people who are like that are only seeking validation because they are too afraid of themselves. In the end, the only result they get is to make others as miserable in life as they themselves are with themselves. So when I asked mini me if he was comfortable with himself, the gist of the question was this: can he handle being alone?
There is nothing wrong with being able to be alone with yourself. I tend to agree with the quote from Aristotle, " Knowing one's self is the first step towards achieving wisdom." Yes I paraphrased, but the gist is still the same. I would hope he never says he needs a relationship, or that he doesn't handle being alone well. Phrases such as those are sure signs, at least in my eyes, that something is amiss.
They are phrases I have never said, for I like to think I know who and what I am. An example: when mini me goes away for his functions, coworkers tend to push me to go out and party. Well the partying stage for me is long gone. Don't get me wrong, I can go out and have fun. I just don't need to. It's not like going out will fundamentally alter who I am. It could fundamentally alter my situation, true. But to change who I am as a person, or to alter the definition of what my personhood means? I think not.
Having said all that, and knowing I am not ready for this, I have resigned myself to the fact that the next few years mini me and I will be revisiting these conversations probably often. Some may read this and think I am afraid that he is growing up and would be leaving. Part of me would like for him to stay a certain age. But at the same time, I know it's important that he has the tools necessary to go through life.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
So it's been awhile
Well it's been awhile since I last posted to this journal/blog whatever you want to call it. Life rears its ugly head at time. Well that is not entirely true. Life is what you make of it. The real reason is that I have just been enjoying the life of being a dad. Mini me and this age are refreshing. Nerve-racking at times, but refreshing nonetheless.
I think of the quote from Jim Morrison, " I think the highest and lowest points are the most important ones. Anything else is just "in between." Not really sure I agree with this at the moment though. To be sure, as I look back on my life so far, it's exactly those points that come to mind. The birth of mini me, was definitely a high point, the death of his mom, definitely a low point. But others are not so easily categorized.
For example: His first day of school. It's both good and bad. I readily admit, I had to take the day off from work for his first day. It just seemed different starting school as opposed to taking him to daycare. Perhaps the reason lies in the fact that daycare was just people watching him to make sure he didn't hurt himself or others, whereas school was the start of the process of him ultimately achieving independence after the long educational road.
While I will agree that the highs and the lows are the important parts, or at the very least, the most memorable. The last week or two has been the "in between." While we tend to remember those life markers, it's the "in between" that is the stuff of life. I'm glad mini me is here to make the "in between" meaningful.
I think of the quote from Jim Morrison, " I think the highest and lowest points are the most important ones. Anything else is just "in between." Not really sure I agree with this at the moment though. To be sure, as I look back on my life so far, it's exactly those points that come to mind. The birth of mini me, was definitely a high point, the death of his mom, definitely a low point. But others are not so easily categorized.
For example: His first day of school. It's both good and bad. I readily admit, I had to take the day off from work for his first day. It just seemed different starting school as opposed to taking him to daycare. Perhaps the reason lies in the fact that daycare was just people watching him to make sure he didn't hurt himself or others, whereas school was the start of the process of him ultimately achieving independence after the long educational road.
While I will agree that the highs and the lows are the important parts, or at the very least, the most memorable. The last week or two has been the "in between." While we tend to remember those life markers, it's the "in between" that is the stuff of life. I'm glad mini me is here to make the "in between" meaningful.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Personal Interactions
So the last few days have been quite interesting. Mini me got his first pimple - you'd swear the world was ending. And we had to go on yet another excursion to get him new clothes. I swear the boy is putting miracle gro on his Wheaties. The former has shown me how much he has grown as he is starting to take a keen interest in his appearance. Clothes shopping though taught me a lot.
I say it taught me a lot because of something that happened. You see, one of the places we stopped at was a Halloween Costume shop. While there a young girl, who appeared to be about mini-me's age, and her friend, walked up to him. Well one of them had like a godzilla doll and stated " I pick you." Mini me didn't even acknowledge their existence. To say I was confused is an understatement.
Well when they walked away, I asked mini me if he knew them. His response was " Oh, they are in two of my classes." Needless to say I was even more confused as mini me tends to be an extremely outgoing person,, and the one girl I distinctly remember him being friends with a couple years ago. Come to find out, mini me doesn't like these two. Says they are gossipy.
As we talked some more, and I laid out what seemed to be the GDP of Norway to get him new clothes, mini me laid out what he ignored them. Simply put he doesn't trust them. That really made me stop and think for I am the same way. Perhaps I am a tad bit more tactful as I actually wouldn't have ignored them. Perhaps I would have been extremely short and to the point ( not sweeet) but I at least would have acknowledged their existence.
Is this right that mini me has learned this from me? That I don't know. I do know that he is normally very outgoing, so his actions took me by surprise. I guess the silence speaks volumes. Perhaps the difference lies in our aspects. He is just a child, whereas I need to operate with a modicum of professionalism about 9 hours a day.
Looking back on it I can see where friendships I have had degenerated into little more than short talk necessary when I ran into a person whom I used to call friend. In a very few of those, do I actually lament the loss of that friendship. Those generally tend to be those friends I grew up with where, when I hit mini me's age, things just drifted apart.
I hope he learns to be more tactful, but I can understand his need to hold part of himself back. In the end, I think we all do.
I say it taught me a lot because of something that happened. You see, one of the places we stopped at was a Halloween Costume shop. While there a young girl, who appeared to be about mini-me's age, and her friend, walked up to him. Well one of them had like a godzilla doll and stated " I pick you." Mini me didn't even acknowledge their existence. To say I was confused is an understatement.
Well when they walked away, I asked mini me if he knew them. His response was " Oh, they are in two of my classes." Needless to say I was even more confused as mini me tends to be an extremely outgoing person,, and the one girl I distinctly remember him being friends with a couple years ago. Come to find out, mini me doesn't like these two. Says they are gossipy.
As we talked some more, and I laid out what seemed to be the GDP of Norway to get him new clothes, mini me laid out what he ignored them. Simply put he doesn't trust them. That really made me stop and think for I am the same way. Perhaps I am a tad bit more tactful as I actually wouldn't have ignored them. Perhaps I would have been extremely short and to the point ( not sweeet) but I at least would have acknowledged their existence.
Is this right that mini me has learned this from me? That I don't know. I do know that he is normally very outgoing, so his actions took me by surprise. I guess the silence speaks volumes. Perhaps the difference lies in our aspects. He is just a child, whereas I need to operate with a modicum of professionalism about 9 hours a day.
Looking back on it I can see where friendships I have had degenerated into little more than short talk necessary when I ran into a person whom I used to call friend. In a very few of those, do I actually lament the loss of that friendship. Those generally tend to be those friends I grew up with where, when I hit mini me's age, things just drifted apart.
I hope he learns to be more tactful, but I can understand his need to hold part of himself back. In the end, I think we all do.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Thinking and Apologizing
Well it's 9pm and mini me is safely in bed, dreaming, or rather having nightmares given his age, of having to return to school after a day off. This is that time of night I refer to as my "me-time." It's that time for me to reflect not only on the day but recent events.
Perhaps the most notable event as of late was mini-me's first birthday without his mother. It was difficult, I won't lie but at the same time, his friends came over and he was laughing and having fun. What more could a dad ask for?
I have a new addiction of sorts. Since I have started writing this, I have started to read other blogs. Some to get ideas, some to get much needed laughs, and yet others just because they seem of interest. I won't mention the ones I have read by name but I can narrow them down to 3 categories: humorous, informative, and self absorbed. Now personally I don't have a problem with the first two, the latter though I can do without.
The problem I have with the self absorbed blogs stem not from the fact they are self absorbed, but rather they tend to be elitist in nature. I don't need to read someone's extended discussion on what constitutes art. Nor do I need to read the random use of the $64,000 words simply because they can use them. Here's a litttle hint, seems a lot of bloggers are educated and can use those words as well, we just don't need to self justify our intellectual capacity. Additionally, do I really need to know you are trying a new work out regime?
No, I don't need these blogs. I tend to think they are screaming " Look at me, I am educated, I am important." Give me the ones which talk of men's style, or parenting, or beer. Yes I enjoy a good beer, just because I am a parent doesn't mean life has ended.
In a very real sense, this blog may be that same scream of attempts at self promotion. My only response is, not really. I could care less what others think of me. I know who I am, and what I am, so the need for self -promotion isn't necessary. I don't run from that, nor do I deny it.
You'll find that one of my dearest motto's is to thine own self to be true. So if this at any times seems self absorbed and and act of desperate recognition, then I apologize. It was never my intent.
Tonight's menu was stuffed pork chops, some over roasted sweet potatoes, and a salad.
Perhaps the most notable event as of late was mini-me's first birthday without his mother. It was difficult, I won't lie but at the same time, his friends came over and he was laughing and having fun. What more could a dad ask for?
I have a new addiction of sorts. Since I have started writing this, I have started to read other blogs. Some to get ideas, some to get much needed laughs, and yet others just because they seem of interest. I won't mention the ones I have read by name but I can narrow them down to 3 categories: humorous, informative, and self absorbed. Now personally I don't have a problem with the first two, the latter though I can do without.
The problem I have with the self absorbed blogs stem not from the fact they are self absorbed, but rather they tend to be elitist in nature. I don't need to read someone's extended discussion on what constitutes art. Nor do I need to read the random use of the $64,000 words simply because they can use them. Here's a litttle hint, seems a lot of bloggers are educated and can use those words as well, we just don't need to self justify our intellectual capacity. Additionally, do I really need to know you are trying a new work out regime?
No, I don't need these blogs. I tend to think they are screaming " Look at me, I am educated, I am important." Give me the ones which talk of men's style, or parenting, or beer. Yes I enjoy a good beer, just because I am a parent doesn't mean life has ended.
In a very real sense, this blog may be that same scream of attempts at self promotion. My only response is, not really. I could care less what others think of me. I know who I am, and what I am, so the need for self -promotion isn't necessary. I don't run from that, nor do I deny it.
You'll find that one of my dearest motto's is to thine own self to be true. So if this at any times seems self absorbed and and act of desperate recognition, then I apologize. It was never my intent.
Tonight's menu was stuffed pork chops, some over roasted sweet potatoes, and a salad.
Monday, September 26, 2011
An Open Letter to Mini Me on the Eve of His Birthday
Well Mini me, here it is, the eve of your birthday. This is a letter I have known for a while was coming. So I know exactly what I desire to say.
It's your first birthday without your mother. I kept my promise to you both. You never knew of the promise as you were still in your crib when I made it late one night. I promised I would do everything in my power to make sure you and your mother had a relationship. That promise has lasted for more than a decade, and looking back, I have no regrets.
I won't sit here and say it wasn't difficult at times. It was, but you know, more times than naught, the right things to do always tend to be the hardest. Never take the path of least resistance, Mini me, no personal growth lies down that path. Nothing but heartache and regrets will be your boon down such a path.
No Mini me, I hold no regrets now. I anchored myself in that promise, knowing full well before hand what lay ahead. To say you handled it with aplomb and dignity which far outweighed mine is an understatement of monstrous proportions. In a real sense, I need to thank you, you have been the steadying influence, and for that I can never repay you.
You have been there through the good and bad times. When I have stepped out to try and forge something and ended in failure, you were there to let me know everything would be ok. When you broke your bone, and I was worried sick, you were there to let me know bones heal. When I started to take life too serious, your prism of innocence was there to remind of the beauty in the everyday: the snowball fights followed by hot chocolate, the awe of standing 20 feet from 2 deer as we all had eyes as big as saucers. You've taught me much mini me, but most importantly, you have resurrected me.
You see mini me, prior to your birth, I was going through the motions of life. I was unfeeling to an extent. There was no pleasure in life, it was just routine of life: work, eat, sleep, play. You've changed that mini me. Every day is a new day now and for that I thank you.
We are entering a new stage now mini me. I no longer have that anchor of the promise. You have entered adolescence, and I cannot help but be proud of the young man you are becoming: thoughtful, caring, empathetic, wise beyond your years. I cannot promise you these future years will be easy, for I won't make false pretenses- there is enough of that in the world today. We'll have our disagreements. You'll think I am being overbearing at times, or that I just don't understand. Rest assured though, I too was once your age. Just know I always have your best intentions at heart. We'll weather this, as we have the last decade or so.
I do promise though, that I will always be beside you. I won't hold your hand through this, and I won't carry you, but together, we'll make it through.
Always my best Mini me
And thank you for everything
Dad
It's your first birthday without your mother. I kept my promise to you both. You never knew of the promise as you were still in your crib when I made it late one night. I promised I would do everything in my power to make sure you and your mother had a relationship. That promise has lasted for more than a decade, and looking back, I have no regrets.
I won't sit here and say it wasn't difficult at times. It was, but you know, more times than naught, the right things to do always tend to be the hardest. Never take the path of least resistance, Mini me, no personal growth lies down that path. Nothing but heartache and regrets will be your boon down such a path.
No Mini me, I hold no regrets now. I anchored myself in that promise, knowing full well before hand what lay ahead. To say you handled it with aplomb and dignity which far outweighed mine is an understatement of monstrous proportions. In a real sense, I need to thank you, you have been the steadying influence, and for that I can never repay you.
You have been there through the good and bad times. When I have stepped out to try and forge something and ended in failure, you were there to let me know everything would be ok. When you broke your bone, and I was worried sick, you were there to let me know bones heal. When I started to take life too serious, your prism of innocence was there to remind of the beauty in the everyday: the snowball fights followed by hot chocolate, the awe of standing 20 feet from 2 deer as we all had eyes as big as saucers. You've taught me much mini me, but most importantly, you have resurrected me.
You see mini me, prior to your birth, I was going through the motions of life. I was unfeeling to an extent. There was no pleasure in life, it was just routine of life: work, eat, sleep, play. You've changed that mini me. Every day is a new day now and for that I thank you.
We are entering a new stage now mini me. I no longer have that anchor of the promise. You have entered adolescence, and I cannot help but be proud of the young man you are becoming: thoughtful, caring, empathetic, wise beyond your years. I cannot promise you these future years will be easy, for I won't make false pretenses- there is enough of that in the world today. We'll have our disagreements. You'll think I am being overbearing at times, or that I just don't understand. Rest assured though, I too was once your age. Just know I always have your best intentions at heart. We'll weather this, as we have the last decade or so.
I do promise though, that I will always be beside you. I won't hold your hand through this, and I won't carry you, but together, we'll make it through.
Always my best Mini me
And thank you for everything
Dad
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